2004-11-30 - 10:55 p.m.

Break was absolutely fabulous. I had the greatest time. I love my friends and family. So I get back to Ames, feeling great and went out to the bar. I decided to invite Adam to see how I would handle things now that I had finally found my happiness again. Never failing though, he managed to say the most disrespectful things. Again with the ex talk, but this time it was "my ex used to walk around naked all the time. She would say things like oh, I shaved my p***y, do you like it this way better? blah blah blah." I don't want to be with him, but I can't handle listening to him talk like that over and over and over again. So I wrote him this letter...

Hey,
I really didn't get a chance to talk to you about what I wanted to last night, so this will have to do. First I wanted to apologize for the past month. Going home made me realize that I lost my happiness and being around my best friends and family really helped me find it again. That person I have been is not who I am, and unfortunately, you have been effected by it the most. I really want to be happy again and I really feel that I am. I have let things go, as far as you and I are concerned, and that is a good thing.
Last Tuesday when we were at Cy's, I listened to you talk about your ex. How beautiful and perfect she was (and I understand your point in saying that) but hearing that made me feel completely inadequate, ugly and almost foolish for thinking you could even want to be with me. I'm nothing like that, nor will I ever be. I think that was the wake up call.
I know you said that we could be friends, and I agree too, but just not now. Even though I've let things go, being around you right now still doesn't seem right. I hate hearing you talk about your ex's and I know I've told you that before, but its a topic that comes up all the time. I don't talk about things like that just out of consideration for the present. What's done is done and its time to move on.
I think you need time to just be you and do your own thing. I'm not saying I never want to see you or talk to you again, but we both need that time to be without each other for a while, because I know I don't make you happy either. I think underneath everything, you are a great person and after time, we could get along great. I will always be here for you and I wholeheartedly want the best for you. I just want both of us to find our happiness, hopefully you won't have to look far.
Take care,
Marie

He hasn't responded yet and I don't imagine he will. He's like a sponge, sucking all the life and happiness out of me and I'm not going to tolerate it. I don't think the email was too harsh, I wrote several drafts before I sent that one. I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that I don't have to worry about him. Being a lesbian is sounding more and more appealing. ;) If only I could do it.

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